What the hell is wrong with the nekos?

Alright, I'm just wondering here, but why must we have the weirdest herd of cats on the planet? I thought it was bad enough that we had a whole faction of vegetarians. Yes, vegetarian cats. Three of our cats consistantly turn up their noses at the very thought of meat. If offered leftovers on a plate that include steak, chicken, egg, and brussles sprouts, they'll snag the sprouts and take off, growling viciously. One time Sun Quan, our little California Spangled princelet, chanced upon a momentarily unattended In-N-Out double double and what did he do with it? Ripped it open and made off with the tomato, which he guarded under the table for a full half hour before devouring. The vet says it's fine so long as they're otherwise healthy, but they do tend to fart a lot and anyone who's had to live with a gassy cat can attest that there's no more eye-watering stench to be found.

Anyhow, it's the sexual issues with the cats that's got me confounded now. Look, I have no problem with their orientation. We haven't had a straight male cat in this house for years now, they're all bi at the very least. In the case of Lupin, he wouldn't touch a female in heat if she was laying splayed and begging in front of him. It is Lupin's other.. issues.. however, that cause the tension in the household. Lupin is the Michael Jackson of felines. I am completely serious. He is a pedophile who is determined to make Garfield's childhood a living hell. And I'm not talking about dominance behavior here. We've all witnessed male animals leaping other males for a speedy dry-hump to let them know who is who. No, Lupin seduces his victims. He will spend hours grooming Garfield, luring him with treats even, all so that he can straddle the poor kitten and have his perverse way with him. I've had to rescue Garfield from this twice today alone and thus Lupin is banished to the mud room until he gets himself under control.

I really don't want to witness his getting himself under control, either. The reason for this is that Lupin's specialty in the stupid pet trick catagory is masturbation. I am not talking about self-cleansing here, which is a basic feline hygeine behavior. No, this is something different. Our cat actually flops back and uses his hind paw to stroke off. To climax. In front of people. Purring.

I have to wonder if we did something wrong in his upbringing. Was it an early experience at the hand, or rather paw, of a more sly and less public sexual offender in the nekos? Did he somehow get addicted to internet images of naked male cats? Has he been surfing the furry and yuffing sites behind our back? Or is it simply that Lupin is a sick bastard of a cat with a drool issue and too much testosterone? Maybe if we fed him more brussels sprouts.